Hey there ya'll! Just wanted to write and tell a quick story about a good friend of mine from college who is turning the big 3-5 tomorrow. Some of you may know Max Kellerman (or Maxie as we like to call him at the old Sig Phi house), from his wonderful ESPN show, Around the Horn.
Now having been born on Valentine's Day, ol' Maxers was always a bit of a romantic. Our alma mater, Dartmouth, featured two all-school semi-formal dances per year, with the spring dance being, appropriately enough, a Valentine's Day dance. In 1989 during my junior year, my good friend and roommate Max-attacks and several of our brothers made plans to go to the spring fete, to be held at a downtown hotel.
(Historical footnote: There's a picture that survives from this event. Maxers had really shaggy hair back then, and his only tie was a blue knit. Thankfully, there are no scanned images of this photo, so you're in no danger of seeing it any time soon.)
Max-daddy drove a little white 1964 Volvo sports car back then, which I nicknamed Lazarus for its propensity to die and be brought back to life by providential forces. As the day of the dance approached, his car died on him again. He tried to start it but eventually gave up and called his sister Susie (a.k.a. Susie-Q), who attended college at Vasser, our legendary sporting rival. Susie drove over to the Dartmouth campus, gave the keys to Maxters, hopped in the passenger's seat so he could drive her back to school, and watched in horror as her car sputtered, gasped, and croaked. Yep, Max-pie had become an automotive serial killer. Nonetheless, I loaned him my beloved 1969 Nova to take Susie back to her campus, secure in the knowledge that my car could take care of herself.
So Maxie called Dana, his date, and confessed his plight. "No problem," said Dana, "I just got my car back from my dad. Dad's a mechanic and he just tuned it up, so we'll use my wheels." Little did she know...
Now remember, Max is nothing if not romantic. He heard an ad on the radio for a Valentine's Day dinner special at a local Italian restaurant, featuring dinner for two, wine and dessert for a reasonable price. As V-Day was that Friday, the day of the dance, he made a reservation for 8 PM. The dance was slated to go from 9 PM to 1 AM (or later if the rest of us had anything to do with it!).
We others, too cheap and/or unromantic to follow Macker's example, got to the dance at 9, just before a torrential downpour hit the River City. We ate, drank, danced, made merry, and as the hour grew later and their absence got more noticeable, speculated with increasing titillation as to just what the heck Maxie and Dana were up to (wink, wink). Finally, one AM arrived with no sign of them. We headed home, and I wondered if I was going to find myself locked out of my frat room.
The door was unlocked when we got there, so my date and I entered my room. There on the couch we found Maxers and Dana, both fully dressed, slightly wet, and in Dana's case, a bit drunk. Maximum told the sad tale: On the way down highway 281 in the midst of this biblical rainstorm, smoke and steam started pouring from under the hood of Dana's car. A radiator hose had burst, and the car had overheated. They were stuck. Fortunately, on such a night, freelance tow trucks cruised the freeways, and they didn't have to wait long before one showed up to tow them home. They glumly piled into the cab of the truck to discover that the driver's wife and two small children were also there. Apparently, Mrs. Driver didn't want her husband to be lonely on Valentine's Day, so she and the kids accompanied him for the night. Somehow, this made the ride back to campus a little nicer, albeit a lot more crowded. The rest of the evening was spent drying off and drinking wine.
When Maxers and I got back together some time ago, it didn't strike us until we were pretty lit up that these events had taken place 10 years before. It's now been 15 years, and as I did then I wonder how Mr. and Mrs. Tow-Truck Driver are doing these days. I was talking to Maxwell the other day, and he wanted nothing more than to again run into that Driver and see how he and his wife are doing these days and catch up since they last saw each other back in '89. If you know of any Tow-Truck Driver that is married and has two children that are roughly age 20 now, please call Maxer's at 860-766-2000 and give them the driver's name; even if you don't think the Driver is the same one, go ahead and call and leave the Driver's name and number for Maxie...when they ask who is leaving the message, just tell them it's a friend of the ol' Dartmouth Sig Phi's....one and a two and a Dart. Sig Phi!!!
Happy Valentine's Day to all, especially my old classmates and extra-especially to Maxwell, who only killed one more vehicle that year as far as I can recall.
"The Ol' Max Doggy" didn't get his nickname for nothin'. Here's to him. And dammit, I don't want to talk to Berman! Curse you, foul switchboard operator!
Posted by: Nacho | February 13, 2004 at 12:52 PM
F-ing hilarious.
Posted by: Tedd | February 13, 2004 at 12:58 PM
Bricker bracker firecracker sis boom bah... Maxy Maxy Maxy Maxy rah rah rah!
Posted by: Nacho | February 13, 2004 at 01:16 PM
I don't know where you get the idea that ATH's and Friday Night Fight's Max Kellerman is a Dartmouth grad -- he actually went to Columbia (correct me if I'm wrong -- http://www.college.columbia.edu/cct/sep02/sep02_feature_boxing.html). I'm not sure about his age, but I think he was born in 1973.
Posted by: Jon | February 14, 2004 at 09:55 PM
use this link:
http://www.college.columbia.edu/cct/sep02/sep02_feature_boxing.html
Posted by: jon | February 14, 2004 at 09:56 PM
is jon serious? what a dork? who is on the computer at 10 on sat night, not to mention who thinks this article is real?
way to go vincent!!
one believer will only lead to many more.
Posted by: t doggy | February 15, 2004 at 11:51 AM
If it makes you feel better buddy I'm not in America right now so it was the morning for me. Also, who spends time writing a post about fake semi-celebrity friends?
Posted by: Jon | February 15, 2004 at 12:06 PM
hi my name is jon, blah blah blah, i'm not in america, blah blah blah, i'm a know-it-all, blah blah blah....suck it jon, quit reading the damn site...maxers went to dartmouth (period).
Posted by: Vince | February 17, 2004 at 09:37 AM
Hey, i heard this today ;-)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Posted by: Jokes Page! | September 30, 2004 at 12:50 PM
That's a great joke, you douche bag!
Posted by: Nacho | November 30, 2004 at 06:03 PM